JESSICA BOULTON: I'm a staunch Remainer but when it comes to Eurovision, it's time for us to Brexit

So this week taught us one thing: Celebs really are Just Like Us.

For when he received his for Sky’s Mr Bigstuff last Sunday. And everyone watching at home probably dropped one too. Albeit for a different reason.

Why? Well, it wasn’t long ago that, who partied into the early hours of Monday, was stuck in a less notable stage of his career - a stage some might call his ’Low-Budget-Made-For-The-Bargain-Basement-DVD-Shop' Era.

But then just like that… He landed himself a job at an East End pub, was catapulted into the mainstream, had a rom-com movie hit with r, starred in and has now just nabbed himself a BAFTA.

So what will see him do next? There’s only one place to go from a BAFTA: AN OSCAR. It could happen.

But just imagine if Danny had brought his, um, unique cheeky chappy style to some of the Best Actor Oscar-winning roles of the past? Let’s compare what those great scenes would have been like:

Colin Firth, The King’s Speech: “We have tried to find a peaceful way out of the differences between ourselves and those who are now our enemies. But it has been in vain.”

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Dyer, The King’s Speech: “We tried to rabbit and pork with the Nazi t***s, but it got us f***ing nowhere, didn’t it?”

Russell Crowe’s Gladiator: “Father to a murdered son, Husband to a murdered wife, And I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.”

Dyer’s Gladiator: “Dad to a bumped-off lad, hubby to a done-in missus but I’ll have me my f***ing payback in this life or cloud seven, you get me?”

And finally:

Sir Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter: “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

Dyer’s Lecter: “I scoffed down that muppet’s liver with some Heinz Baked Beans and a cheeky bottle of plonk!”

I know which versions I prefer.

THE BIG CANNES COVER-UP TUESDAY

Talking of Hollywood… The creme de la crop of Tinseltown descended on for the opening night of the famous film festival on Tuesday.

And while the days of screenings in the battle for the prestigious Palme D’Or have only just begun, we already know who will really triumph at this year’s event….The ones who show nothing at all.

Yes, the real winners of Cannes 2025 will be the fashion designers - or more specifically, the fashion designers who don’t have a penchant for the

For, the festival issued an emergency change tobefore the first event: banning all voluminous gowns with over-long trains and announcing a zero tolerance stance on “all nudity” for “decency reasons”

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It left many stars - including Halle Berry - in a mad dash for new looks, and let’s face it, it’s not like they can just order a little number off Boohoo or pop down H&M like the rest of us.

So cue the true victors of the festival: The lucky more-modest designers who maximised their own red carpet exposure…. just by minimising their clients’.

TOFFS WITH THE HUMP-DAY

Great Scott! may be able to travel in time, but even they can’t escape one of the peskiest problems of the moment….. Trigger warnings.

Or, more precisely, people complaining about trigger warnings.

For, the hit came under serious fire from the anti-woke brigade this week after its website was found to contain 16 alerts - mostly around the use of strobe lights, loud bangs, pyrotechnic sparks and real flames.

Right-wingers jumped at the chance to have a good old moan - with damning the warnings as “ludicrous”, while others rushed to debate the ‘scandal’ on TV.

Yet while the anti-wokers fell over themself to be the biggest bozos since Biff Tannen, one suspects “ludicrous” was the last word certain would-be audience members were using. You know, those with…. epilepsy, migraines, flicker vertigo, hearing issues (like Shelbrooke himself), high blood pressure, certain respiratory and cardiovascular conditions, autism, anxiety, PTSD, or any number of other neurodiversities or mental health problems….

In fact there’s just two parts of this story which really are “ludicrous”:

That could share such a ludicrously-out-of-date view in Mental Health Awareness[itals] Week - rendering the whole ludicrous "scandal" ludicrously ironic.

2. That he commutes by train, not DeLorean…..because he clearly still lives in the past.

TOUGH LOVE THURSDAY

You can’t go on social media without being sucked into one challenge or another. And the latest confession craze is calling for people to reveal the lengths they’ve gone to impress a man. There’s been lots of the usual - surprise trips to see their favourite band, giving up their favourite show in favour of football….But wins them all.

For this week she shared an inspiring tale of the time a would-be suitor was 30 minutes late for their first date. So what did she do? Well, she didn’t sit quietly, anxiously waiting in the corner of the pub for him to turn up, that’s for sure. Instead stood up in the packed boozer, called for everyone’s attention, explained what was happening and rallied them all to BOO the tardy fellow when he finally walked in.

“They had to tell him he was stupid and didn’t deserve me because I am a national treasure,” she laughed in her video.

Whether her red-faced date was eventually impressed by her actions is unclear….But I certainly am.

FOOLHARDY FRIDAY

And finally.....Our hearts must go out to three brave women who are about to perform a feat of great sacrifice for the country this weekend. It’s one that threatens to leave them deflated, battle-weary, humiliated and downtrodden. Defeat is all but guaranteed. But someone must do it: someone must fly the flag for our great United Kingdom. So these heroic three have selflessly taken on that burden….

Yes, I’m talking about who are hoping their girlband will triumph in one of the most savagely-fought battles of all - The Eurovision Song Contest.

Or as otherwise known: . For it may seem full of novelty and niceties, but let's face it, it's a no-holds-barred fight to the bitter end - one with complex politics, geographical alliances, a global audience and Tributes dispatched from each country, fully aware they're on a likely suicide mission (albeit only in the career sense).

It was hard enough for us to win before Brexit. It's nigh on impossible after. For in the years since our separation, our ex-partners have not exactly been our biggest fans. With the stellar exception of Sam 'Spaceman' Ryder’s second place in 2022, we’ve come last twice, second-to-last once, third-to-last twice, 18th (out of 26) and a so-so middling 15th since 2016.

So why are we still sending our ? I was a staunch Remainer over the EU - and still am. But if there was a referendum on the UK's place in Eurovision, I'd 100% vote Brexit. Haven't we got enough toxicity in the world without the bum note of this humiliation each year?

That's why I must applaud the honesty of last year’s "Tribute", Olly Alexander, when Remember Monday asked him for advice ahead of this weekend’s grand final. “He told us to get a good therapist,” laughed bandmates Holly-Anne Hull, Lauren Byrne and Charlotte Steele.

Fortunately however they’ve followed his advice. For while I hope their track “What the Hell Just Happened” doesn’t prove to be too poignantly-named, I fear come Sunday.... may wish to Forget Saturday.

PICTURES OF THE WEEK

P Diddy’s trial for racketeering charges, Gerard Depardieu being found guilty of sex assaults and James ‘Arg’ Argent getting a two-year suspended sentence for gender violence...Celebrity men have been making global headlines for all the wrong reasons this week.

So how refreshing to see that not all heroes are a thing of the past. Because we also welcomed back into our lives an all-time all-round good guy this week. Yes, the first full-length trailer for was released on Wednesday, with relative newcomer in the suit.

After years of on the Man of Steel, this light, bright more joyful version from (and complete with John Williams’ famous score) may be just what the world needs right now.

As for the plot, this Superman is promised to be the “embodiment of truth, justice and the human way”. So while Nicholas Hoult’s villainous Lex Luthor appears in the trailer, we can all guess who his real nemesis will be...

Seen a funny celeb tweet or Tv moment? Let me know in the comments or via @JessicaBoulton on X/Instagram